A few days ago I’ve come across a post by a woman asking for help. Actually, it wasn’t for her but a friend who lived in an abusive relationship and didn’t know how to get out of it.

The note somewhat reminded me a story of mine, when my then husband repetitively confused me for a punch-bag and won the local championship by knocking me out. One evening, he arrived home drunk again, on the mixture of Xanax and alcohol, and started on me the moment he entered the door. It was a fierce fight. We ended up in the bathroom where he hit me with a blow that left me on the ground weltered. 

This punch cleared my mind. I knew, there was everything to lose yet I caught a glimpse of life, staring at me with a promise. Quickly hooked onto it and pulled myself up from the floor. I was standing there, in front of this intoxicated, well-built man who towered over me nevertheless, the promise gave me such a strength that I looked into his cloudy eyes and whispered: “if you touch me again I kill you”. He was so shocked that he froze. Lowered his hand, turned around and went to sleep. 

It was the last time he raised a hand on me. During the night I stepped out of the apartment through a window and had never looked back. The next day I filed for divorce. 

As the crying for help story unfolded, questions mushroomed from my mind and started their independent journey of searching for answers. Why did she send a friend to ask for help? Was she ashamed? If she was, why didn’t she leave? Well, she said there was nowhere to go. Why is that? She had no family, no friends to help her out? Was she blackmailed? Was she afraid of the consequences? These are all valid questions.

However, there was no sign of will power in her approach of the situation. There was no desire for living or living differently. She was playing the victim and blaming her partner for everything that was happening to her. 

There are always at least two persons in a relationship. The events they experience are created by their interactions. None of them is better or worse than the other one. These two were unstable, insecure and immensely confused. Only their approach to the same situation was different. This floating existence lacked responsibility, trust and respect. Three of the fundamental ingredients of living. 

As of my husband and myself, we both came from abusive families. He was brought up in a kind of a ghetto where young lads dreamt about the latest Ferrari and a castle that accommodated their mother and all their sisters. Even if the mother was the culprit of the family, forcing her sons, especially that of the first born, to put her on a pedestal by implanting into their mind one of the most abusive sentences: I am your mother, I gave you life and I sacrificed myself for you! Not realising that the weight of the sentence is almost unbearable, and doesn’t permit individual plans or growth. The sole aim in their mind was to make that money the fastest way, regardless of the means and consequences so mother could be satisfied. 

In my case, my mother blamed my existence for her broken life so she seized the earliest moment to push me out of it. 

Although, every situation is unique there is always a possibility to draw comparisons. In my ex-husband’s case his mother used her power to tie him down, for having children was her life and without her only son she would have felt incomplete. In my case, mother had dreams for her own future, in which I appeared to be an obstacle. 

The family background is important. It is valuable for understanding and learning.

However, it should never be used for putting blame on past events or people in them.

Everything happens for a reason. And the reason is that people put out 100% of their capabilities at every given moment. It is a loss of valuable time and energy to reminisce about What if I’d done it differently?  What if my mother had been more supportive? What if I’d received more love and understanding? 

The past is there to learn from and shape the present accordingly. However, this exercise needs willpower and detachment.   

So how can anybody help them? I say them because they both need the help. They need assistance in understanding that life is not a series of suffering and domineering. Life is togetherness. 

We might alert social services. There might be an institution who is willing to take her in temporarily. But what happens after? She leaves, and at the very first occasion will find a similar partner in her drifting existence. And the saga continues. 

Unless, through some kind of miracle, they both realise that life is a conscious journey, therefore, it needs to be learned. It needs to be appreciated and never be taken for granted. It needs to be understood that it is a great responsibility not only towards the self but that of others, for we live in interrelations.  

And here comes our duty to push earthlings towards learning through asking questions and searching for answers. It is our everyday challenge for if they are not well we are going down also. 

Do not forget, likes attract and life is yours to win.

Written by Zsa Zsa Tudos